Tell the Truth

Yesterday was a day that I needed to be surrounded only by pillows and other soft things instead of trying to lug a hefty harmonium off a high ledge. The outcome, I broke the Bernal Yoga harmonium. Immediately I had the thought, "Okay, I'll just put it back and pretend it wasn't me who dented the front left corner of the instrument." And then the mantra that has been following me around like Hamlet's father since India, came even in this moment, "Tell the Truth," it said. How many times have I done the opposite, never being completely accountable for my part of a situation or for that matter never being completely accountable for my unhappiness, meanwhile continuing to complain about my life situation without taking action. Inevitably all the half truths I utter have corroded my sense of telling the total truth to myself and others. Claiming responsibility is my yoga practice. It isn't always cute or easy, but I broke the harmonium. Another truth is that I've decided to leave San Francisco for the time being and am taking actions towards finding a job working with an NGO that directly serves women in India. I wish I could slide back effortlessly into my life in San Francisco as if nothing happened to me in India, but in the bottom of my stomach I am called to go back, and I may continue to break things until I do. I forget to be compassionate to myself, that I am not perfect. Even when doubt arises in my mind about whether I'm making the right decision about India, I forget to listen to the doubt without irritation. So now I've told the truth and must pay the price to fix the harmonium or replace it, but it is better than to act as if nothing happened. It clears my path by acknowledging the truth. It clears away the half truths, for one whole truth.